What is Self LOVE? 4 Definitions that WILL get you to LOVE!
Self-love is the most commonly used term in the self-development industry. Almost every single time I went to a therapy session, for something I was dealing with, it turned out to be a self-love issue?!? “Niro, you need to love yourself more”, “If you loved yourself more Niro, this wouldn’t happen to you” “What is stoping you from loving yourself?”
Listen, If I heard another self-love mumbo-jumbo I was going to punch somebody in the face! It is not like there is a switch in my head I could turn on/off for self-love. To be honest most of the therapist that I’ve experienced didn’t seem to practice self-love in their own lives. Which got me thinking, do we actually know what Self-love is?
So I started travelling down the path of figuring it out myself. Below is what I discovered about self-love in my personal journey. I may have not covered all of it, but these were the things that served me on my journey to personal transformation and success.
But first let’s understand what Self-love gives us; in accordance with research found in Psychology today and In my personal experience I 100% agree with the below, which some slight add-ons.
Less anxiety and depression
A positive mindset
Better recovery with Stress – or deal with stress better
Healthier lifestyle with exercise or diet
A lifestyle free from addictions and destructive behaviors
Emotional resilience – the ability to bounce back.
But how do we get to self- love? What are the things we need to practice in order get ourselves to self-love. The following steps is what will get you to self-love, you actually don’t need self-love to begin it. Just a desire for a better way of living, self-love will become a side effect of this process.
I have placed the following in order that served me, I’m certain it will do the same for you.
1) Discipline – This was the break or make point. Even without self-love one can learn to be disciplined in their actions. In our natural state our mind is lazy, the lazy mind will create low vibrational thoughts, which will inevitably create negative beliefs and behaviors.
Energy flows where focus goes! Discipline creates direction!
We need to refocus our mind and intellect away from these lazy / negative thoughts and behaviors, into a loving & creative states. So we need to keep our actions in alignment to love and compassion.
Through the art of rituals we can re-program our lazy states to action orientated.
There are some basic actions we can create to become disciplined – make a list of positive rituals, make is easy at the begin then add to over the weeks. For example it might be making your bed and doing a 5-7min meditation ritual daily. Then stick to it for a week and add to it like; keeping a clean room, clean work place, read more, exercise, etc over the next coming weeks.
Daily rituals will program your mind to the importance of taking actions to get you out of your rut. Even today I keep growing and changing my rituals. I am a different human when I don’t do my rituals. When this happens, self-love is the first thing to fall off the wagon.
2) Know What You Want – In other words set goals and take steps to achieve them. It surprises me how many people don’t have goals!!! To have a growth mindset, to have passion and purpose, to develop and grow your emotional intelligence you MUST have goals. The most common excuse I get is “but, I don’t know what I want.” Its doesn’t matter – set some goals in one of the following 4 areas;
- Work / finances
- Relationship
- Health
- Fun & play
I guarantee you, there is something that you desire in at least one of these 4 areas.
If you still don’t know what you want then make it up. It doesn’t matter if its big or small, right or wrong, set goals and work towards it. As you take steps towards something, anything, the path of what you truly desire will COME TO YOU!
Its ok to change paths, but its not ok to sit on your a$$ and feeling sorry for yourself – self-pity is the mortal enemy of self-love.
3) Lean Say No – Set boundaries. Setting goals in only one part of the journey. Every time you say yes to something (ie- a goal) you need to know what you’re saying NO too.
For example – if getting healthy is you goal, then you need to say NO to big macs, chocolates, soft drinks etc. Likewise if finding ‘the one’ is you goal, then you need to say NO to time-wasters, floaters, the fear of getting hurt/ rejected, etc.
Hint – If you have strong boundaries you will not have to worry about getting hurt. Your boundaries will prevent it from happening, but also, you will have the strength to pick yourself up if it does.
More importantly, knowing what you’re saying NO to will help you become more decisive in your actions.
To learn about the art of saying No – read my previous blog on this topic
4) Give up Judgement & Accept – Personally this was the hardest for me, but the most rewarding. This step I learnt only very recently but made the most amount of impact. When we judge others we lose a piece of ourselves. I know, it feels good in the moment, especially when you’re bitching about someone else with a friend. But the cost is great and dear.
Judgement breads, its transforms into anger and then resentment. A resentful heart has no room for love, for self, family, kids, friends or anyone else. If you are judging others, very likely you are holding judgment, anger and resentment for yourself too. Which in itself, a downward spiral.
Giving up judgement wasn’t an easy task for me, as I was focusing on the issue, which made me more angry, judgmental and resentful. To give up judgement we first need to replace it with something else.
By focusing on giving love, compassion and kindness it was easy to build beliefs, strategies and behaviors that replaced judgment, anger and resentment.
Through rituals you can train your mind on giving more love, compassion and kindness. One ritual I created was to connect with 1 person a day, like really connect. An authentic connection does wonders for the other person and for yourself.
Need some extra help with rituals & meditatioins? Get your Warriors Rituals audio program here.
